Fanackapan

2009, year of our Lord and a nit called Fanackapan – i.e. me, the story teller. I have just returned from a visit to my landlord, whereby, killing him has stopped any increase in the rent. In all England, I do not believe I could have fixed a situation so completely removed from the stir of society;  indeed there are societies that do nothing but stir all day. They are porridge brotherhoods, a perfect misanthrope’s Heaven: I myself am an imperfect misanthrope as I have piles, and Da Funk and I are such a pair to divide life’s desolation between us, we have half each. A capital fellow, it came to about £40,000 for his M.O.T.

Imagine how my heart warmed to him along with my liver, kidneys and bacon.

“Da Funk”, I said

A nod was the answer, but not very loud. “You are a very tall man,” he said.

“There’s a reason,” I said.

“What?” he said.

“I’m on a horse,” I said. “What are you on?”

“I’m on valium,” he said.

“I’m your new tennant, Da Funk.”

“Oh, Christ,” I heard him mutter.

“I hope,” I said, “I have not inconvenienced you soliciting the occupation of Firth Road.”

“What a creep,” I heard him say. “Firth Road is my own, sir,” he said wincing. He paused, then did a huge wince. He made a foul gesture, and said, “Come in!”  The ‘come in!’ was uttered through closed teeth, expressing the sentiment ‘Go to the Devil’, so I went to the devil and took tea with him and returned. When Da Funk saw my horse’s breast fairly pushing the chain on the gate, he said, “Look out, your horse’s breast is fairly pushing the chain on the gate.” He pulled his hand from his pocket to unchain it. Why he had his hand chained, I’ll never know. He opened the gate, then suddenly preceded me up the gulleyway, breaking wind with every step, my horse getting most of it. As we entered the patio he said, “Ahh, thats better, it was but only for him. BANJAXED! Take Mr Fanackapan’s horse; and bring up some wine.”

Banjaxed was a hairy, nay, greasy, nay, very greasy, nay, very greasy Mick Hucknell and nay hearty man. “The Lord help us!” he soliloquized.

I waited for the Lord to help us, but he didn’t. “Drat it,” said Banjaxed.

“Drat what?” I said.

He looked at me with displeasure while relieving me of my horse, which relieved itself on him. Looking in my face so sourly, I thought he must be in need of divine aid to digest his dinner (someone like the Virgin Mary).

One step took us into the living room, another step and we were out of it. They call it here ‘the house’ because it looks like one. Above the fireplace were several horse pistols used by local horses. The floor was polished laminate flooring, over which I went arse over tip.

Da Funk is a strange man…He is dark in dress and manners a gentleman; his reserve springs from an aversion to showy displays of feeling (although even, as he stood there, he was feeling himself). He loves and hates equally undercover, say an umberella or bus shelter. He has reason for keeping his hand behind his back when he meets an acquaintance. It has six fingers and two thumbs.

I’m sure I’ll get my head kicked in eventually…

I had a Nanny six foot three,

She was nearly the death of me,

Through roaring traffic she’d push my pram,

Down my throat my food she’d ram,

It made her ecstatically happy,

To never ever change my nappy,

So it shouldn’t suprise you a bit,

That I grew up a bit of a shit.

Aberystwithface, regular at the King’s Arms, quite often approaches myself with the tales of woe that she encounters on seemingly daily basis.

“YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHATS HAPPENED TO ME!” she’ll come in screaming.

I, being a nice sort of chap, have been known to respond “Oh come, sit on a chair and tell me about it”, to which:

“I’LL STAND!”

“Alright then, stand on a chair…”

So often, visitors to the King’s will see the sight of Aberystwithface standing on a chair shouting saliva into my face and making my hair go in a backwards direction at 100 miles per hour. Tales like “MY BROTHER’S FALLEN OUT OF A TREE!” or “HUGGYBEAR HAS BEEN FORCED TO MAKE A THREE TIER WEDDING CAKE AND BUY THREE MATCHING SUITS!” and lets not forget “MY MOTHER HAS JUST BECOME A BLOODY TAROT CARD READER!”

I end up soaked and in need of shower at the same time as psychotherapy.

The scene: Bradley’s Restaurant

The scenario: Water leak in the kitchen

Huggybear was quite alarmed to find a massive leak in the kitchen at his beloved restaurant and went into the kazi to look for his beloved…

“ABERYSTWITHFACE! ABERYSTWITHFACE! WHICH ONE ARE YOU IN?”

“I’m in number seven my darling.”

“LISTEN TO ME!, YOU MUST GO TO THE KITCHEN AT ONCE!”

“Let my finish going in here first.”

“I TELL YOU! THERE’S A CRISIS IN THERE!”

“There’s a crisis in here too! NO PAPER!”

“LISTEN TO ME! YOU MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!”

“I ALREADY HAVE!”

Eventually the water leak was sorted, but peace not quite restored. To assist in his thanks Huggybear made his beloved a meal and presented it to her on a table 12 foot long, with the company of another customer who was drunk and being sick.

“THIS IS AN INSULT TO ME!” she belowed at Huggybear “I’M USED TO SUMPTUOUS LIVING IN THE GRAND MANNER!”

“Well fuck your luck” said he handing her a plate of beans and porridge.

“I CAN’T EAT THIS CRAP!”

“You don’t have to my dear, you can keep it.”

“I’LL KEEP IT IN THE FRIDGE IT WILL KEEP LONGER!”

The fridge was broken. The whole meal came out covered in mildew, but Aberystwithface was hungry and she ate the meal mildew and all, but an hour later she started to go green. A green Aberystwithface is something to behold. She hid this by spraying herself flesh pink, she stood out in a crowd. She even stood out on her own.

“FUCK THIS FOR A LIFE!” she swore, stamping her foot and breaking her ankle. “NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE MADE ME DO!” she said limping away.

“You know Aberystwithface” said Huggybear, “I find you most attractive in pink.”

“GOOD, THIS PROMISES EXTRA FUCKS!”

A bomb landed next to Aberystwithface and blew her backward out of her boots through a window, she landed on a dustman in the act of emptying a bin. “Cor what a way to meet you Aberystwithface.”

The smell of the dustman drove Aberystwithface away.

“Bloody snob!” shouted the dustman after her.

With hot baths, massage, electric shock treatment and a five course meal, Aberystwithface recovered enough to sit up and be herself.

“Are you better?” said Huggybear kissing her feet.

“While your down there can you cut my toenails?” she retorted tossing her head and catching it as it came down.

“I haven’t got any scissors”, he said

“Well bite them off”.

I’ll leave the story there… Please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors…I did.

As I ponder endlessly through text messages on my beloved Nokia N95, far far better than the highly over rated N96, I thought I would immortalise some of the content received from beloved local character and ‘hero’ Gruff.

During his spare time watching Hannah playing with wires at the back of his TV set, with mind going all over the place due to driving fines, alcohol and what not, he often picks up his telephone and communicates with mine. Here are a few that were all sent on the same night, just goes to show that Bob Hope can cheer you up as the evening progresses…

Voyage life in traffic, risk & loose. Months ago, skipped to quick & now points make 12. I hate society, soon wheels of 2 only option. Will u collect me & take me on?

I love Hitler, at least you knew where you stood. Bring yourself or even better offer yourself to me. I need somethings flesh. God I hate rules…

9 and 3 make 12, want to buy a car?

Red, amber or was it green? Took my chances. Facists got me. My child smiles innocent of all ahead. I with my knowledge should know better…

40 years have taught me nothing of what lays ahead. Be ready my friend, be ready to challenge and fight for your rights, I will go down. Down deep. BASTARDS.

awoke this morn thinkin. I still think & try 2 do my best. Why should I strive to do things to help my fellow man. When nothing but shit lands upon my plate.

Babys taking milk, I drinking from the jar. Out to ponder. About to smoke from green. Give me a while. I bet the next message…..Positive x

Oh my God thats the good stuff. Left leg on tuber till I sank ale fork tried to pooh large ding dong. Stunted growth. Shat legs towards south. Put up x

Hannah is playing with wires behind the tele. What should I do?

I’ve just fallen foul of a chicken…Fell over the fucker !

Once upon a time there lived a lovely Red squirrel called Charles, he had a beautiful warm red furry coat, and a big bushy tail, big and red like teachers nose, Charles was married to a lovely lady squirrel called Lady Di, they lived in an Oak tree, this tree was nearly three hundred years old, it was so big it would take twenty children holding hands to go round it. Charles and Lady Di had found a lovely big hole right at the top of the tree to make their home in, and sometimes Charles would sing a song and he and Lady Di would do break dancing, sometimes they would break a chair sometimes a table. Charles loved Lady Di very much and one day Lady Di told Charles she was going to have a baby and he fainted and went BONK! on the ground, so Lady Di poured a bucket of cold water over him and he felt much better.

Together they made a little bed of nice clean dry grass and they put Daisy flowers all the way around for when the baby squirrel was born and Lady Di started to knit a pair of silly-socks for the baby, because any squirrel wearing socks would look silly. Charles went off to collect plenty of nice fresh nuts so there would be plenty of food for when the baby arrived, Charles liked collecting nuts, most of his friends were nuts.

One morning the baby was born, and when Lady Di told Charles he fainted again and BONK on the floor, but after she threw a bucket of water of him he was much better. The baby squirrel was a boy, and they called him Little Willy. Little Willy was sooo little, just the size of your thumb. Lady Di gave him lots of milk to drink, and Charles said “I think you’re giving him to much Cows milk” and Lady Di said “Why?” and Charles said “Because he keeps going Moooo-Mooooooo!”

Soon the summer came and Charles took Little Willy to teach him how to walk along the tree branch, and Charles fell off and went Bonk on the ground, so Lady Di threw a bucket of water on him and he felt much better. Soon Little Willy was big enough to walk on the branches alone, but Lady Di had told him “Be very careful that some big bird or a pussy cat doesn’t catch you and eat you up”, and, there was a big black crow called Rotten Dicky Bird who tried to catch Little Willy by the tail, but when brave daddy Charles came out and shouted “If you touch my little willy again I’ll set fire to your tail feathers and burn your bottom!”

“Caw!” said the crow because that was the only word he knew. Then one day Willy fell out of the tree and broke his leg, but an old gardener, Tom Sillybom, saw poor Little Willy and said “Oh dear” he picked poor Little Willy up but OUCHHHHHHHH Willy bit him on the finger, so, Tom had to put on anti-squirrel gloves and took Willy to the vets Mrs Funnyconk, she put Little Willy’s leg in plaster and put him in a box near the fire.

Tom Sillybom and his wife looked after Little Willy very well, and soon Little Willy’s leg was better, and he started to leap all over the house. One night Mrs Sillybom got such a fright! because Little Willy had jumped into a bowl of Jelly and Custard, Mrs Sillybom shouted “Hellllp! there’s a jelly and custard with legs running around the room!”

One Sunday morning, they let Little Willy out into the garden and he ran straight across the lawn and up the old Oak tree to his mum and dad, and when they saw him Charles fainted and Willy helped Lady Di pour a bucket of water over him to make him feel better, and they all lived happily ever after.

As I sit, watching  Fanackapan’s restaurant doing quite well on Facebook, a memory from yesteryear pops into my fevered mind.

As an innocent seven year old on his summer holiday break from school, I was helping Fatherfanackapan build a rockery in his garden. Now, Fatherfanackapan has been known to do the obsurd as well as I. For example, he’s a DIY fanacktic, and once put his glasses in his trouser pocket whilst sanding wood down with emery paper. Upon completion of sanding, he put the emery paper in said trouser pocket and went inside to read the Radio Times. On adorning his glasses, he couldn’t see a thing. Anyway, back to the memory…

Fatherfanackapan asked me to go and get a bag of cement from the garage, which I did, and he mixed it to the right spec for the job. We then each took turns laying the bricks and stones for the rockery although any brick I put down he repositioned. After an hour the job was complete and Fatherfanackapan let me sip his beer for doing such a good job.

It was a blustery night that night….

In the morning Fatherfanackapan wasn’t elated to see his beloved rockery all over the garden, and upon inspection he found it wasn’t cement that I had given him… but an unmarked bag of garden fertiliser. He went barmy.

Motherfanackapan and my sister, Fanackityliz, found it highly amusing as I went and hid. For days…

THE GREAT BIM-BOM CIRCUS

Everybody at the Bim-Bom childrens circus was very excited, they were going to perform at London Towns famous Hampstead Heath – the seats were full of children who were full of jelly babies, suddenly the Bim-Bom band struck up under it’s conductor Fred Nose, Omm pah-pah went the Tuba played by Dick Twit, Tootley Toot went Doris Cabbage on her Flute, she blew so hard that the elastic in her knickers broke and they fell down – then Ben Barmy hit his bass drum, Boom Boom – Crash Oh dear! he split the drum skin and inside he found a tiny doormouse, he ran up Ben’s trousers and bit him on the bottom.

Now a big spot light shines on the sawdust arena and Ta-ra on comes the ring-master, Captain Custard he wears a red coat the same colour as daddys nose, a big black top hat, white trousers and blue riding boots, all the children clap him, clap clap clappity clap, all except one little girl called Rosemary she clapped when she had an ice cream in one hand and it all splashed out and went in a little boys ear hole.

Captain Custard cracked his long whip and it caught him on the back of his neck, he let out a yell and his hat fell over his eyes – “Ladies and Children Bim-Bom Circus proudly presents, Crimple the Crown – the – Oh I’m sorry, I meant Pimple the Clown”.

Taa-raa – went the band and Pimple came on, he did twenty summer saults and ten winter ones, he did a hand stand, a foot stand and an impression of a hat stand. In a funny voice he said, “How do you do – do do you how” – then like magic he took ten big sun flowers out of his trousers and he balanced them on his head, his nose, his knee then he walked off on his hands – Then, tar-ara – Captain Custard cracked his whip and caught himself in the bum! Ow! he went and his eyes watered.

“Now” he said “We have the mighty Pakistani Currymuscles” Oh! on came a very strong man – very very strong – he even smelt strong. He showed his huge muscles and the children clapped, and a little boy got more ice cream in his ear hole. Mr Currymuscles said “Ladies and Children I now break world Guinness Book record, I swallow 100 pounds of Mars bars”, and in one gulp they were gone – you could hear them going down into his belly – rustle, rustle they went because he forgot to take the wrappers off! “Ladies and Children” he announced “I feel sick”. Then he bent down and grabbed two big purple dumb bells, (they couldn’t speak) “I now lift up 10 million tons” with a big strain, his knees knocking, his eyes crossed, he lifted the 10 million tons up and split his trousers ‘Ha ha ha’ laughed the children.

Then a spotlight went on at the top of the tent and showed a tight rope, and waiting to go on was a clown in a red suit with white bobbles on. “A big hand for Willy Wibble Wobble”, so someone gave Willy Wibble Wobble a big hand, but he already had two, so he put it in his pocket, then got on his blue wheel and whizzed across the wire and back and the children clapped, more ice cream in the little boys ear.

Now while the circus was going on – outside in a tent was a real gypsy called Vera Fatlegs, who could tell your fortune – a little boy called Tom Lumps went in, the gypsy told him his fortune, it came to 30p, well she charged him 30p so Tom Lumps went away with no fortune at all.

Back in the Bim-Bom Circus Captain Custard had caught his neck a crack again as he announced ‘Ladiessiss and Childrennnn a very dangerous act – all the way from Wistambul – we have Smelly Sam from Turkey’ – the band played some Turkish Delight music and on came Smelly Sam with his head bandaged up on the NHS, he had a long moustache that finished behind his head, he had five long sticks of liquorice with fire on the end, he poked the fire in his mouth and screamed, then he swallowed the fire, ate the liquorice and went for a drink of water. The children all clapped alot clap + 10,000 they went. Now all the lights went out and a big spotlight showed a little elephant called Trinkle Trunk – and on his back was a clown in blue, his name was Tinkle Tonk, the elephant raised his trunk and went ‘Whoo whee woo’ and ran round and round the ring while Tinkle Tonk juggled with coloured oranges, as Trinkle Trunk ran around, the children laughed as his bottom wobbled like a jelly, then Trinkle Trunk stood on his back legs, Tinkle Tonk went on juggling but fell off “You naughty naughty naughty naughty elephant”. But the elephant just dipped his trunk in a bucket of water and squirted it all over him – then there was a tiny interval and girls went around selling ice cream to the children, all except one little boy who had enough in his ear.

Then, Ta-ra bang crash roar – ‘Ladies and Children the last act is Golden Growl the lion and his trainer, Tinkle Tonk again, there was a great roar as Golden Growl leaped into the ring and showed his teeth,  Tinkle Tonk showed his teeth but no one clapped. Tinkle Tonk made Golden Growl leap in the air and twist his tail – then ‘Oh dear!’ Tinkle Tonk put his head in Golden Growl’s mouth then he couldn’t get it out – then Golden Growl sneezed and Tinkle Tonks head fell, he made Golden Growl promise never to do it again – then he said “Give a savage growl for the children”, ‘GROWWELLLLLL’ went Golden Growl but it made him feel giddy and he had to sit down.

Then there was a great roll on the drum, and the drummer ate it.

‘Ladies and Children’, said Captain Custard, ‘for the grand finale here are all the turns’ – and on came Pimple the Clown, Currymuscles, Willy Wibble Wobble,  Smelly Sam, Vera Fatlegs, Trinkle Trunk, Golden Growl and Tinkle Tonk, they all stood on each others shoulders and sang God Save The Queen, and the children all went home happy.