What seemed to be a very generous and innocent gift from my good friend El Funko, has apparently caused ripples in the terrorist sect of the Bradford Magic Circle. If you find my body in the street with a non NHS approved severed foreskin you all know to call the police immediately. Wish me luck in walking down my alleyway in the dark of night only in want of a warm bed and moisturiser… I’m watching my back at every said turn now! and my front, sides and feet. No hope for the feet. Happy new year… Moisturisers nice.
FANACKAPAN: 1
CHRIS: NUNN
Watch out for those going down nunnder!
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There’s been much speculation in the King’s… how the hell does Mr Woo manage to get himself a woman to throw up on? After much research I’m pleased to inform that Old Heatonian and Fanackapan have collaborated and found video evidence of Mr Woo’s chat up techniques! We’re both sure that you’ll all learn a disastrous lesson. Please do not hesitate to ask him about his skills, he’ll tell you how it’s done straight away!
It appears that some people are having problems playing this video – I’d hate for you not to see it though, try this link
I often ponder about the whereabouts and mindset of my good friend and acquaintance of the past 10 or so years. Gruff is the man responsible for teaching me everything I have forgotten over this period. We’ve done everything together… once I completely tidied his front room, and once he threw me down the stairs for a giggle. I’ve been on fire, force fed Viagra, been in various states of stupor all in the name of a good laugh and wouldn’t change it for the world…
On going up to his castle for a few drinks I discovered him sat in the dark waiting, bored and drunk.
“What the hell are you doing Gruff?”
“I was awaiting your arrival young squire… I’ve made you a video.”
Have a look at said video and ask yourself… what is inside the mind of Sir Charles Grufferson?
I always maintain my love for my first car, the fantastic Renault 5. It could be down to the fact that it is the only car I have possessed and not wrecked in any way, shape or form. Luckily the Toyota Starlet hasn’t been subjected to accidents yet, so Bedmaster can relax. I will point out however that upon showing my collegues at the gallery from hell, they all agreed that it is a ‘very fetching shade of gay’… bastards the lot of them.
Anyway, the following video just about sums up the fond memories of my first motor vehicle, incidents like this happening to yours truly on a daily basis…
Who on Earth could it be?
It came to our attention the other day, that Legalmaid Junior had set up Mr Woo with one of her best friends. Now, the long suffering acquaintances of Mr Woo naturally saw this as a bad idea, as Mr Woo is best known for speaking the faeces of our English language to an academic level. Alas, the date was set up, and Mr Woo carefully picked a stylish cheese burger bar in Leeds to accommodate his lusty desires…
Upon arrival in Girlington’s own horse and cart ride, seats were sat in and a meal was ordered. Mr Woo, gentleman that he tries to be, ordered a romantic bottle of wine in which Legalmaid Junior’s friend, who cannot be named for sympathy reasons, politely refused. Twenty minutes later, Mr Woo had downed the entire bottle and conversation sped into rapidity. Not sure he had quite quenched his thirst, another bottle was ordered when the meal arrived – cheeseburger and chips x2.
All seemed to be going swimmingly, until Mr Woo realised he’d been talking the faeces for far too long, and the last train had been missed. He stumbled outside the burger hut and hailed a cab. Now, a taxi ride from the centre of Leeds to Bradford takes a good half an hour – I realise this because I’ve suffered said journey with Spike whilst needing a piss (the same night he was arrested and rectally penetrated by the fuzz!), and Mr Woo’s wine took its toll. Unable to control himself he looked at his future interest lovingly, and hurled all over her. Many apologies were committed to the conversation and the poor girl never wants to see the light of day again, especially in Girlington’s own horse and cart ride with the Woo. But!…
all was not over, for before the vomit the horse and cart driver picked up the slurring words between the young lovebirds that Mr Woo drinks in the King’s Arms, and the driver turned up the very next afternoon to claim damages for the puke clean up job that ruined his night. Mr Woo wasn’t there, so Aberystwithface, ever helpful bar maid gave the driver the princely sum of £50 to make him go away.
How Mr Woo can ever offer relationship advice to the American silver ring duo ever again beggars belief, and I just hope, in all his history of woe, that he never tries to enter America…
Watch this space…